Sometimes my emotion might even push me further to the extent that I would imagine (or is it real?) myself living this life as a fake, that there is some loose screw somewhere impairing the whole assemble of my existence. That I haven’t done what I’m meant to do, that all the good things I did were simply lucky twists of fate, that failure is endorsing my every stride, ooh the usual phobia I guess. Perhaps it’s just my hormones at work. But this feeling of uncertainty- suddenly Heisenberg’s Law of Uncertainty pops in mind. Haha- has persisted too long a time to be completely ignored. I need answers… (now I sound like some freaking character in pseudo-psycho Hollywood flicks. Creepy.).
What I need… is someone to talk to. Someone who can really understand this unsettling chapter I’m going through, who won’t laugh at me and call me an overly-conscious geek (although admittedly I am), who, granted, shares my sentiment upon some… things. Anything. I can think of a few people who virtually fit in the criteria aforementioned, but what can I say… geographical boundaries are such a nuisance.
I guess the point of this entry is: I’m missing my friends.
A cup of cappucino to jazz up my day =)
13 comments:
When I was your age, when all alone at night, I do get into this state of meloncholia and depressive mood. But being far away and all must have made it worse for you. But you should know better than to brood on it.
As for friends, you cant have it all. You have to make do with those at hand and optimize your friendship or you'll be at the losing end.
And I dont have to tell you about reading Quran or do dzikir as these should be your routine already.
So please cheer up and stop entertaining the blues. Kang kena telan xanax cam tok..:))
Please take care. No more "loneleee...I am so loneleee" entries after this I hope!
btw- that cappucino is so inviting. Promise me that you'll serve me a cup of cappucino each nite when you're back for hols?? Please??
Huggzzz Ifos...
Hope you feel better after that cup of cappuccino.. nowadays I like kopitiam (angkut from Malaysia, yay!) or Turkish coffee myself.
I remember feeling like you did in uni, in fact sometimes I still do. During my undergrad days I felt alienated to my surroundings, and other girls/people. It took quite some effort for me to stay true to myself as well as trying to find common grounds on which we could interact. But it's okay to be different, and we should celebrate our differences. But for some people, such tolerance takes a while to be learnt.
But one thing you wrote really struck a chord with me: 'all the good things I did were simply lucky twists of fate'. I have just begun to realise that all the good things I have ever done in life were DEFINITELY not due to me or to my supposedly inherent goodness (hah kalau ada lah kot) but entirely due to the Infinite Grace and Mercy of God. Being 'lucky' in such a sense means God really loves you and wishes you to have oppotunities to do good. And we should be thankful for that and pray that we are given more such opportunities. Also if we receive afflictions, it is also a sign that God wants you to grow, or wants your growth to speed up a bit, and he is giving you the opportunity to shine in the midst of adversity.
Heheh. And I hope I remember all o the above too whenever I am depressed.
Take care...
I think the above comments should be consolation enough for you. Besides, I dare not console you for fear of making you more depressed T_T
I have my moments of melancholia too; and trust me, they're regular visitors up my alley. But as with all things, they too soon come to pass. I just let them wash all over me, and then get on with life. As simple as that :)
there r times when there're up n downs... usuallly night, over-sleeping at late noon or evening.
i had undergone such moment before; the worst was my first day of matriculation alam shah; i was so frustrated not been offered overseas for medicine and too tired after the school sports. i slept early, down with high fever and spent my first night at the sickbay.
there are times we feel small in this big world, hopeless and feel that our existence negligable.
i notice that i experience all these when i was alone at weekends, when the night is too quiet, too engrosed with something and later realised that everybody had gone out...etc. The word is LONELY and unable to fill the time frame as we intended.
SO... what to do then? The best is not to stay within the 4 walls... go out, bring a book, a notebook, The Book, play games or any outdoor activity. As for me, i'll read The Book, notebook or outdoor activty.
If u cant go out door, then proceed to indoor activity such as cooking ;).
It will get over soon, u dont need xanax. u r strong enough the overcome it, just pray to Allah to help and Guide u.
Ahaha, yeah, that squeaky-munchkin voice going "Loonelyyyyyy ... I am so looonelyyyyyy ... I have nobooodyyyyy ..." totally rang inside my head all this while. Cheer up, girl! I'm sure loneliness will come and bite you once in a while, living very far away from your homeland, but don't let it bring you down.
I have a feeling it'll come visit me very soon too, as my brothers are all starting school tomorrow (and it's 12:56 am already!) and I'll be all aloooooone. At home. Not counting our house maid, Embak. And the cats. Most of the day, anyway. (They come home around 4 pm.) All this while I always get to hear their bickering voices outside my door, asking for high-fives from Salman every time he walks by, watching pointless TV shows with them, making funny comments all the way, bla bla bla...
I should stop now. It's not as if I'm already going to college, no. That won't happen until at least another month.
And I just remind myseld that I have loads of friends to keep my company, really. They're just ... away. But there's always a bridge connecting us, fondly called the Net. (Or the telephone, or mobile phone, or the postal service. xD)
P.S. Forgive the extra long comment, the early morning hours does this to me. And by the way, I've started on your portrait. =)
*hugs n smooches*
Dearest Sofi,
Seems like u're in 'that' phase. Ahhahha. Yup as all the comments above say, we all go through it one time or another in our life, more often than not. It's normal I guess. If we don't feel, we're not humans ait? I think it's ok for you to write what you feel when you feel it. Just DON'T BROOD on it too long. Face it and be done with it!! But regardless of all the advices and concern people give you, I know you're strong and with Allah's guidance and love, all will be well. We're all here when you need us. Keep the entries going. This kind of entry truly is from the heart. Take care.
Luv ya loads~
Ps: You know, if I should have written this kind of entry and if somehow my parents stumbled upon it, I think my mum's reaction (or precisely comment) would be similar to that of ur mum and my dad's comment would be similar to that of urs. We have lots in common don't we? ;P
Nuff said, and ALL well said too. I particularly like the comments from the 3 (not going to tell who, takut kecik hati yang lain pula)
BTW, can I have the hazelnuts? You can have your cuppucino. Try creamy, yummy, Strawberry Cheesecake with your cuppucino...HEAVENLY!!
Pycno- your yearn for creamy yummy Strawberry Cheesecake is excessively not in keeping with the real physical being of you. You must be in the group of people who either
1)eat in abundance, burn all the energy or even more i.e. high metabolic rate,
or
2)shows excessive pining for something as sinful as cheesecake but just takes a small bite to suffice and gain pleasure.
or
3)Feign the act, encourages others like me, whilst you avoid those creamy heavenly put on weight stuff
I envy those in grp 1 and 2. But I'll murder those in grp 3!!!
Btw, Fi, still lonely??
Ke arah mana halanya
Bagi insan yang terleka
Mengejar nikmat dunia
Bagaikan hidup selamanya
Tak peduli dosa noda
Seksa azab neraka
Hidup jauh dari rahmatNya
Terpedaya pada dunia
Pentas ciptaan manusia
Terlupa pada segala
Mengikut nafsu semata
Membiar syaitan beraja
Di hati dan juga jiwa
Mengejar dunia penuh debu dosa
Teguhkanlah iman dalam diri
Moga dikau akan merasai
Betapa indah nikmat Ilahi
Dan yakin kau akan dirahmati
Harus kau percaya dengan pasti
Dunia tidak kekal abadi
Hanya menguji cekalnya hati
Sebagai khalifah yang sejati
Tak perlu kau meragui
Andai teguh keimananmu
Pasti bahagia menanti
Di akhirat yang abadi
wishing you all da best:)
Thanks everyone... And anyone who knows me would know that I'm not the brooding type. I get over things pretty fast ;) And I promise, my next entry will be more cheerful than this one =D
Assalamualaikum..
Find God.. pray hard.. read the Qur'an.. zikr.. contemplate.. insya-Allah, you'll find yourself again. Don't forget why we are here :)
Very nice site! » »
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