Of Perfection and Efforts

Lately I find myself lost in some swirls of serious thoughts, sparked by what I mostly see on my facebook news feeds every weekend and a request by a friend a while ago to share the experience I am going through now, which I was not very much inclined to do at that time for a number of reasons. I’m still wary about it, for the sake of my heart, which our beloved prophet s.a.w. has illustratively described to be ‘more unstable than the boiling water in a pot’ and is like ‘a feather at the trunk of a tree that the wind keeps turning it upside down’. I do realise, however, the obligation compelled upon me to call for good and denounce evil, and inshaallah (God-willing), I hope to share some of the precious jewels of an experience that have come to my possession the past couple of months.

To begin with, I’d like to clarify the reason I’m writing this (me with prologue after prologues =_=). I’m often reluctant to put things across bluntly for fear of being a... hypocrite (that is, not practicing what you preach), but a lot of times, especially in this day and age, people just need others to shake them hard for them to come around. It occurs to me that many people today do not actually realise the reality of life we live in today. Speaking from the Islamic perspective, all of us believe in the existence of an eternal hereafter, wherein we will be judged on our actions in life on earth and be sent to heaven or hell accordingly. We believe in the transition world before that- “Al-Barzakh”, the waiting period after we died before being resurrected on Judgment Day.

The way we live our lives though, often does not reflect the essence of our beliefs. Most of us are still trapped by the lures of this world, dedicating the better part of our time attaining material comfort whilst trying our best (or not) at the same time to abide by the five pillars of Islam- the shahadah, praying five times a day, fasting in Ramadhan, paying the zakat, and the hajj.

By not putting our faith and religion at the driver’s seat of our everyday lives, we are abandoning the sunnah of our prophet and the companions, the mentality that has propelled them to become the greatest nation at their time, the best of people in every aspect of life. It is the mentality to be the best in everything we do, and in the context of what we so lack of today, the best in practicing our way of life that is Islam.

We pray five times a day, but our minds wander off to other wonders of life each and every time; we wear hijab, but our clothes readily show the curves of our bodies; we eat halal food, but we also eat excessively and unhealthily; the list is inexhaustible.

Many of us live life as though it will come to an end with death. Hence we get driven by money, power, fame, social status and entertainment, leaving very little space for the remembrance of God. We hope our daily prayers, fasting in Ramadhan and zakat will suffice to carry us through to the gardens of paradise, which they might, but can we be sure about that? We live in this world only once, that much is true, but are we to settle for a carefree and enjoyable life now, and spend the rest of eternity in misery?

A mindset that should befit every muslim is the desire to achieve perfection- to be the best that we can possibly be, despite our flaws, to reach the top. We know there are levels and ranks in jannah (paradise). Do you wish to be rewarded with the lowest rank of jannah, or be at the top, amongst the prophets, the siddiqun, the syuhada’, and the salihun? Would we settle for second best when we can have the best? This is by no means arrogance on our parts- Allah is All-powerful, All-Encompassing and All-Merciful, He knows what’s in our hearts- our hopes and fears, our loves and desires. The rightful realisation of our weak and sinful state does not rob the right to hope and dream to be amongst those Allah would chose as His beloveds. After all, as our blessed prophet s.a.w. had phrased in a beautiful hadith, everyone would be with those whom he loves.

Bearing this in mind, I have learned that it’s our (sincere) efforts which will make the difference to Him. We have this one and only opportunity to determine where we will be for the rest of eternity, so I say, let’s go for broke! Yes, Rasulullah s.a.w. told us to exercise moderation, even in our acts of worship, but the truth is most of us are just lazy bums. We don’t do but a meagre of what we are really capable to do, and most of us are rather content with it.

Everyone has their own unique potentials and means to attain nearness to God, so let’s all reach for that extra little something inside the pockets of our hearts, and inshaallah, He will give us a hand and carry us closer and closer towards His love and mercy.

(Yes, I know I haven’t told my story yet. Next up, inshaallah).

Thoughts on a rainy day

1. The monsoon has been in full gallop for the past few days- my father has even decided to stay overnight at his workplace in Kerteh today due to bad conditions on the road. I hope everything will be smooth for my trip to KL this weekend (I'm attending a wedding of a friend! Finally!).

2. My mother has found an effective tool to keep tabs on (some of) her children for quite a while now. Yup, you guessed it. There were a couple of times when she would call me from work and said, "Ask your brother what he meant by his status just now on Facebook?" or that she couldn't access the wall of another sibling, was she the only one being barred? Sometimes things are discovered even quicker through Facebook than a normal daily conversation, which just tickles me!

Example collected this morning on the way to breakfast:

Mum: Maman pedih hidung ye guna nasal spray tu?
brother: Uh?
Mum: tu yang Maman tulis tu (kat Facebook)...

3. I'm currently reading two of Sheikh Imran Hosein's works. I attended his lecture last week and what a wonderful privilege it was. I do have a number of questions and disagreements over some of his views, but all in all he is doing brilliantly on the formidable task of opening the eyes of the majority of the ummah on the reality of the world today. There are many scholars out there who seem reluctant, for whatever reasons, to zoom in on the topic of the calamities at the end of times, which is the time we are living in now- everybody should realise just how dire the state we're in at present, how dangerous the fitnah that has befallen our ummah, for us to truly wake up and stave off the evils that are devouring our people inside out.

May Allah place you and me amongst the rightful and guided ones.

1.
"Nothing that is can pause or stay;
The moon will wax, the moon will wane,
The mist and cloud will turn to rain,
The rain to mist and cloud again,
Tomorrow be today."

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I'm trying to embrace change; kindly reciprocate.

2. It sometimes happens, to some certain people, that whenever they try to conquer any of their fears, a greater terror will appear in nothing flat to squash any hope of a raise in their self-regard.

Example: A was scared of frogs. One day, A decided to conquer her fear, so when she saw the frog who always lepak nearby the washing machine one afternoon, she tried to chase it away by stomping her feet, at which moment, another, bigger frog dutifully appeared out of nowhere in front of her. A had a metaphorical heart attack, fled the scene and, to this day, remains scared of frogs.

3. It's autumn over there, monsoon over here. Last year at this time i would be merrily walking back home from school, taking pictures whilst basking in the lush golden spectacle that was autumn. This year at this time I'm doing something even better, so I should be contented (and I am) to have to let go of my favourite season.

4. I just recently discovered the correct way to order tea without milk and sugar at the stall- 'teh o kosong'. Sweet.

5. Every weekend I get back home these days I'll get at least one wedding invitation. I've attended none thus far (not on purpose though!).

6. I wish my father, who just arrived in Phnom Penh today and will push on to Ho Chi Minh tomorrow, a safe journey under the blessings and protection of Allah s.w.t.

7. Happy birthday to my loyal reader (not anymore though I guess, since she has recently ventured into the wonderland called housemanship) and loyal friend, Farah- kullu 'am wa anti bikhair!

8. I shall continue to write in numbered points like this until I rediscover how to write like a proper writer.

Good day everyone.

I miss...

I miss...

1) collecting fallen leaves beneath crimson shaded trees.
2) eating absurdly sweet and juicy plums for iftar.
3) celebrating eid at the mosque, classes and lectures, hostel and flats.
4) feeding the cats outside the hostel.
5) having my weekly usrah.
6) salads at Superman.
7) checking out what's cooking in the kitchen.
8) grabbing something to eat with my girl classmates during class breaks.
9) the crackling sound of my boots caressing the snow in -20s winter.
10) the sound of the train passing by at night.
11) watching ice hockey on tv.
12) watching biathlon on tv.
13) watching almost every other winter sport that doesn't get shown here on tv.
14) Fatin's fruit smoothies (and the ingredient-guessing sessions), Farah's pau sambal udang kering, Sakinah's ayam masak merah, Fahida's pandan cake, Kak Ma's nasi dagang and nasi kerabu, Kak Nadia's carrot cake, Naj's salad, Areena's any-spicy-dish she would come up with, Mekna's late night comfort meals, Mas's sardine rolls, Sakinah jr.'s doughnuts, Sharifah's moist chocolate cake.... ok, I need to stop.
15) praying together with my floor mates.
16) playing and having sleepovers with Aiko.
17) speaking the language.
18) chatting with nice, friendly patients ( who would assume I came from any country other than Malaysia, was 19, and had the impression that Russians were bad people).
19) watching sunrise and sunset from the window.
20) qiyams at Qalam.
21) running and 'lepak'ing at the embankment of Volga with Sin Ye.
22) tulips in April.
23) selling nasi kerabu and nasi hujan panas with Farah.
24) strolling along the central market street brimming with fresh fruits and veggies of the season.
25) pretending to sleep when someone enters the room.
26) Swinging by Kak Ma's and Kak Nadia's room and having meaningful and thought-provoking conversations with them (and other random guests).
27) class parties.
28) surprise birthday parties.
29) sealing the windows for winter.
30) MUMMY and kuliah ahad.
31) the excitement on the eve of every new cycle, wondering which teacher we'll get.
32) after-class detours to Radezh.
33) evening tea-drinking sessions with Fatin (and other random guests at times).
34) bullying Areena.
35) visiting the mosques at Lingoranskaya and Kirovskiy.
36) classes with Vasiliy.
37) outwitting Vasiliy with my classmates on my birthday.
38) first snowfall of the year.
39) praying in what would be considered as odd places elsewhere (i.e muslim countries)- classrooms, lecture halls, fitting rooms, corridors, under the tree...
40) making snowman, the one and only. ;)
41) chatting freely with friends at the stores without worrying that people might overhear our conversations.
42) makan-makan with Ar-Raudhah.
43) Milkis.
44) brisk-walking down the hill to the bus stop for class.
45) cute and cuddly Russian toddlers.
46) my maps and posters and postcards on the wall.
47) cross-country train rides with pearly white beds of snow in winter and gorgeous sunflower fields in summer, amazingly friendly fellow passengers who offer you pickles, lavash and nuts and apples as a goodwill gesture, and super small bunk beds which remind you to be thankful for your squeaky bed back at hostel.
48) skiing.
49) updating my 'budget book'.
50) picnic with Al-Hijr girls.
51) scheming for strategies to elude the hostel guard when the student pass is not at hand.
52) the ever-ringing smoke alarm (ok, this is not true).

Selamat hari raya to all my friends especially those whom I just parted with. Six most educational years of my life, alhamdulillah.

...

There are times when you feel like recoiling from the rackets of the outside world and nestle in your own quiet solitude.

There are times when you wish time wouldn’t seem to elude you so that you can get things done.

There are times when the details and niceties don’t matter and you just want to get to basics.

There are times when you feel frustration, exasperation, anger, happiness, and hope all at the same time.

There are times when you feel weak yet determined.

There are times when you truly feel that faith is the best thing you can possess because it keeps you sane.


Now is one of those times.

The Return of The Dreamer

I had virtually given up hope on being able to write anything of more than facebook-status length anymore, when, one fine fortnight ago, I surprisingly managed to churn out a speech for my Malaysian commencement ceremony within one day. Of course, I had great help from my mother and father then, but it did give me a thread of hope for this one.

Four months have passed since my last tiny post, and a whole chapter of history has passed since then. I’ve graduated and become a doctor, technically speaking. I am yet to feel like one though, and when a staff nurse asked me whether I was a doctor (doing locum perhaps) at my father’s workplace the other day, I told her no, I was just the doctor’s daughter.

Indeed I was. But I have officially added another title of responsibility to my portfolio which will unquestionably be asked of me on the Day of Judgment- slave, daughter, sister, friend, neighbour, student, and now, doctor. No pressure. ;)

In practice, though, I’m still holding on to the role of a student I so cherish for just a little bit more, and if my current plan succeeds, it will be the most satisfying achievement in my eyes so far inshaallah (I’m being cryptic I know, don’t mind me).

I have grown so much over the years and I sincerely thank Allah for planning my life so beautifully for me, making me learn the way I did, something I probably would not have gained had I spent the last 6 years somewhere else on this good earth. I will sorely miss Russia (I already am, actually)- for the colourful seasons, nice local people I’ve met, great variety of sports, speedy internet, beautiful (but difficult!) language, amazing friends… but most of all, I will miss the bountiful lessons of life I’ve had from the whole time I was there. From the many hardships we had encountered, the lack of comfort and familiarity, to the little routines and activities that have become a part of what I was and am today, I treasure them all, and am most thankful for them.

Our weekly usrah sessions have given me better understanding of things that I thought I had understood well, the strength to carry on the message, and lifelong beloved sisters whom I know will always be there with me.

Our maghrib, isha’ and subuh prayers in jamaah (and all five during holidays) have taught me the importance of staying together, helping and reminding each other, and have let me truly feel the sweetness of companionship more than I have ever had.

The lack of halal food, the high-priced goods, and different ways of living have taught me the indelible skills of survival- to restrain, assimilate, compromise, and improvise where necessary. A trip to the grocery store never failed to lift my spirits.

The people at the dean’s office have given me the opportunity to test and build up my level of patience and perseverance.

The floor I stayed in has given me the idea of how an ideal neighbourhood should be, and how an ideal neighbour should be- people looking out for one another, lending things selflessly, offering free home-cooked meals every so often, organising get-togethers and many, many more. Things weren’t perfect, but it sure was close. ;)

Again, I thank Allah for always, always blessing me with good people around me. All the nasty ones usually just pass by fleetingly, those whom I don’t have to deal with constantly.

This is just scratching the surface on a topic I can spend hours talking about. But writing, at my present pace, would take a whole lot longer than that. I hope to get the hang of this once again and just, well… write.

Selamat berbuka puasa dan beribadah. ^_^

Volgograd, february 2011.

Happy Birthday Abah!

As I'm sitting here for what seems like forever, pinching my brain to come up with something to begin this otherwise ultrashort, 3-word post, I begin to wonder of the fate of this blog. In every manner of expression, I have stopped writing and I don't really feel the urge to do so for a good while now. And as I'm about to finish my university education (aargh it hurts terribly saying that) in about 2 months, I suspect this blog will be effectively dilapidated (if it isn't already) and forgotten (a friend told me she has given up waiting for my next entry, hehe) for I'll be busy (or try to) studying for my finals. Will I resume to write again after I've started working, perhaps?

Ha-ha-ha.

Actually, the most real excuse I can give for not going to write anymore- at least for the time being- is that my laptop has gone through a rough patch and I can only fix it when I get back home (cos they charge, like, four times more here. tsk). Hence this late post to wish my dearest father a happy 50th birthday.....! May Allah be pleased with you always, and shower you with love, blessings, guidance and mercy, and unite us in jannah. I love you very much. ^_^

Happy birthday, mak!

"Your Heaven lies under the feet of your mother"- Rasulullah s.a.w. (Ahmad, Nasai).

To my dearest mother, who tirelessly sends me medical articles/cases every day so that I may learn and become a good doctor (I'll try my best to read them all! ;p). May Allah give you the best from this world and the next, and always make you happy.

ps: Sorry I'm late, there was a technical error. hehe.

Prologue

Never would have I imagined that a trip with so many trials- less than half of the activities went according to plan, most of which were spent in a 5-room flat with 11 other fellow travelers- would turn out to be one of my best winter holiday experiences ever, if not the best. And I owe that mostly to the persons I shared my moments with- my amazing friends, old and new, and the wonderful ‘ustazs’ who went to great lengths to ensure that we felt as much at home as possible. Only Allah could justly reward them for their kindness and sincerity.

My heart felt unusually heavy when it was time to leave this place, the land of the prophets. Perhaps it was because of the state of the country when we were leaving. This might sound lame, but I could quietly feel the air of revolution surrounding us, and even though most of the time we were cooped up in our flat knowing less of what was going on outside than the rest of the world watching the news on tv, the atmosphere was somewhat different, the kind of which I would not feel if I were back in my hostel in Russia, or home sweet home in Malaysia watching the news on tv; to actually be there was an altogether different feeling.

It angers me to read some of the news about the situation here, especially by the Malaysian media (but I have lost my faith in them ages ago, so no love lost there). Yes, the situation here is very serious, but why must these people emphasise on unnecessary details to appear more dramatic? People like drama, that’s why, and the media are playing by it.

When we went to the airport 2 days ago to confirm our tickets, we were interviewed by a couple of our media journalists. And the questions always revolved around the fear of what was going on at the moment, whether we slept with knives and sticks or not (ok I made this one up)- nothing which actually required us to think, like what were our opinions about the issue at hand, or what solutions could we offer to the problem, or what could we learn from this experience. Now who would want to listen to that, huh? Haha. At one point I did tell the journalist off (politely) about their inclination towards drama, which had had parents and families in Malaysia in a frenzy (that was probably why the interview didn't get published ;p).

When I read an account of a local student that she felt like living in Palestine, I couldn’t help but cringe. Firstly, has she ever lived in Palestine to know how it felt like over there? Secondly, knowing the media’s ‘dramaphilic’ attitude, they would definitely use that as a headline and everyone in Malaysia who trusted the news with undaunted faith would be under the impression that this entire nation was a warzone. So I say, why the need for drama?

Another account mentioned about the ‘scary’ route to the airport where there were many ‘askar dan perusuh yang bersenjata”. Soldiers with guns? That’s like doctors with stethoscopes. Perusuh? Rioters? These were people who gathered and marched peacefully to claim their rights after decades of oppression by a dictator’s regime, and you associated them with violence, which, by the way, only occurred when initiated by the police or the dictator’s ‘third force’. They were not the dangerous people here, so to be clear. Everywhere we went, they showed us the 'peace' sign. Why were they armed on the street? Because when the police stopped working, lootings were rampant, and the people took it upon themselves to watch the streets. They patrolled the city day and night, and it was heartwarming watching their spirit and determination as we walked past them on our frequent trips to nearby shops. Sure, they were holding sticks from woods and steel, but they were not going to hit you with them (unless you hit them first, that is).

All in all, I had learned a great deal out of this experience. Every moment was a treasure- from the visits to amazing places to the 'bedtime activity' to the 'rooftop activity' to the flight delay! hehe. I would like to thank my friends again, especially my two closest companions who were by my side practically 24/7 during the whole trip- and I apologise for any wrongs that I made. Let's go again to complete this journey, ok! :) I wish the people good luck, and that a new era will begin in the country- one filled with freedom and justice. And let us all turn to Allah, for He holds the key to our every detail in life, and only through Him shall we attain success.

Written on the plane from Cairo to Moscow, 5^th February 2011.